Most advice for parents begins with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" - and then proceeds to offer various techniques for controlling them. In his landmark book Unconditional Parenting - and in this talk based on that book - Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What are our long-term goals for our children?" It follows that we need to work with them rather than doing things for them, in order to reach those goals.

Kohn argues that punishments (including time-outs) and rewards (including positive reinforcement) may sometimes produce temporary compliance, but they do nothing to help kids grow into responsible, caring, ethical, happy people. Moreover, he suggests that permissiveness is less worrisome than a fear of permissiveness that leads us to over-control our children. Kohn concludes with ten important guidelines to help viewers reconnect to their own best instincts as parents.

Includes: DVD. Running Time ~ 2 hrs

Parents tend to ask "How can I get my child to behave?" or "How do I get my child to do what I want." In this engaging DVD presentation, author and speaker Alfie Kohn challenges parents to consider parenting by a different perspective: "What does my child need, and how can I meet those needs?" "What do I want my children to take away from my teaching?"

Kohn suggests that control is the problem regardless of the method when disciplining children. Whether spanking, time outs, or other methods of punishment, Kohn argues "punishment of any kind has a negative effect." Yet he also argues that rewards are really no different in their long term impacts. Both are sides of the same coin – control or power. This is a big problem because control leads to certain reactions from children: excessive compliance, excessive noncompliant behavior, or rebellion. Kohn believes neither is healthy. They do nothing to help kids grow into responsible, caring, ethical, happy people.

Kohn also explores the definition of "good" and how children define it based on how adults talk to them. He believes children equate "good" with doing what pleases the adult who is in control.

As he continues to make his case he looks at elements of authoritarian parenting and demonstrates how this models bullying. When this occurs, children then lose their ability to think for themselves. He states that "kids pressured to do what they are told are unable to think through ethical issues on their own." Yet parents consistently indicate that they want their children to know right from wrong (ethical) and be able to think for themselves.

To help parents learn a more effective approach, Kohn provides ten principles for practicing what he calls "unconditional parenting":

• Reconsider your requests
• Put the relationship first
• Love has to be unconditional
• Imagine how kids see things
• Be authentic
• Talk less, ask more
• Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
• Try to say yes when you can
• Don't be rigid; waive the rules
• Let kids decide whenever possible

This recorded lecture given at Stanford University is very informative and maintains the listener's interest as if he/she were sitting in the audience. The last portion of the DVD is a question and answer section which helps to clarify many of the points and examples given. I found it to be a very enlightening discussion on a way of "working with children" as Kohn frames it, versus "doing things to them." Parents, educators, practitioners, and students will be challenged and gain insight after viewing this lecture.

-- Debra L. Welkley, M.A.

"We sold every copy of this DVD to the parents of our school. They have been watching it for a week now and they are constantly talking about it. Many of them found it hard to express how grateful they felt for having been exposed to Kohn's considerable expertise and obvious concern for children. Many parents could only bring themselves to say, 'I can't wait to get home to my kids.'"

-- Bev Bos, school director and author